THE NIGHT LIFE 2

Protecting a great pie

By Tanya Whiton

The Portland Police Department may be subject to five lawsuits in the past year, have a lousy relationship with the Portland immigrant population, and spend taxpayer money harassing teenagers and street performers, but rest assured, nobody’s gonna mess with our great little city’s sweet tooth.

At Denny’s this past Friday night, somebody STUCK HIS FINGER IN THE PECAN PIE. It was around 2 a.m., and a horde of half-drunken customers was gathered in the lobby of the recently re-fiftified eatery, waiting for a table. I myself had just polished off a Super Bird, two large Cokes and some fries to stave off a hangover, and was on my way out the door, when I noticed two (not one, but TWO) members of the Portland PD — an imposingly large male cop, and a remarkably diminutive female cop — standing at the hostesses counter, notebooks out.

A crispy looking pecan pie rested on the counter, and the male cop said to the hostess, “Now, tell me what happened again?”

“He stuck his finger in the pie,” said the hostess, gesturing at one of the waiting customers, who appeared to be sheepishly pleased with himself.

“He stuck his finger in the pie,” repeated the uniformed officer.

“Yes. He stuck his finger in the pie.”

The alleged offender’s friends made discreet sounds of amusement, but refrained from high-fiving or backslapping him. The female cop, in a stern voice, said: “Can we get some space here? Please disperse.”

“Aww, no,” replied one of the pie-taster’s friends. “I gotta hear when she calls my name for a table.”

“Mmm — that pie looks good,” said another onlooker. “I sure hope we get some of that pie while we’re waiting.”

Out in front of the restaurant, the two (not one but TWO) police cars were parked at screech-in angles facing opposite directions. Inside, next to the jukebox, a mannequin painted to look like the Statue of Liberty watched over the scene of the crime. Elsewhere, something that probably merited police presence went unattended.