RED PLANET

Taking no heed from NASA’s failures, the rocket scientists of Hollywood persist in their effort to make a successful Mars movie. Although not as embarrassing as Brian De Palma’s Mission to Mars, first-timer Antony Hoffman’s The Red Planet should have been aborted before liftoff. Let’s just say that any film with “algae” as a key plot word is in serious trouble. That’s what environmentally desperate earthlings of the mid 21st century are trying to coat Mars with in an attempt to oxygenate the planet for possible colonization. When the algae disappears, as if from a cosmic dose of Desenex, the inevitable melting-pot crew of space cadets is sent in.

At first it seems the mission will be dominated by the old science-versus-faith debate, what with spiritually minded science officer Bud Chantilas (Terence Stamp) swapping clichés with materialistic geneticist Dr. Burchenal (Tom Sizemore). Then there’s the requisite sexual tension between Mission Commander Kate Bowman (Carrie-Anne Moss, sporting Sigourney Weaver’s T-shirt from Alien) and lowly mechanic Gallagher (Val Kilmer), and the bogus rivalry between hotshot pilot Ted Santen (Benjamin Bratt) and upstart genius Chip Pettengil (Simon Baker). Ultimately, though, the movie comes down to the usual bad dialogue, implausible plotting, startling special effects (a robot named AMEE puts in the film’s best performance), and feeble ripoffs of better movies. As Gallagher so eloquently puts it, “Fuck this planet!”

— Peter Keough