VALENTINE

Warner Bros.’ Web site for Jamie Blanks’s Valentine is already advertising the film’s upcoming video and DVD release. And you may just want to wait to view this horrific horror film at home. (FYI: Denise Richards’s hot-tub scene checks in at about the 75-minute mark.) I know I said the last eight movies I reviewed were the worst of all time, but you really have to take my word on this one. The film, like many horror movies, is about revenge. We see a boy being picked on in junior high; then, 13 years later, all the girls who would never dance with him are being sent gruesome Valentine’s Day cards signed “J.M.” Then they’re slaughtered. Of course, these young ladies are sexy and still rather bitchy, so we fellas don’t mind seeing them get what’s coming to ’em!

The filmmakers want us to believe this creepy guy with the initials “J.M.” is the boy from junior high and the killer, but anyone who actually falls for that should have his popcorn taken away. Guessing who the killer really is a random task best-suited to the old guy playing Keno at the convenience store down the street. Who is this guy wearing a Cupid mask and possessing a ludicrous arsenal of weapons? Rather than the guy who was tormented in school way back when, could it possibly be one of the lovable characters we think we know so well? And when is that hot-tub scene again?

— Mark Bazer