SOMEONE LIKE YOU

When love is “magical,” you know you’re in for a nauseating ride. And there’s nothing the lovely Ashley Judd and her crinkle-faced charm can do to save Tony Goldwyn’s adaptation of Laura Zigman’s abysmal novel Animal Husbandry.

After she’s been bagged and tagged by cute co-worker Ray Brown (Greg Kinnear), Judd’s Jane does some serious research into how men’s mating habits mirror those of beasts. Her pseudo-scientific theory is that after being momentarily enamored of a “new cow” (read: woman), men move on to spread the seed. Slighted heifer weeps; bull shrugs; audience yawns.

Not for long, though, as we’re bludgeoned over the head with the extended metaphor. Jane and her roomie/co-worker, the bestial Eddie (Hugh Jackman), frequent Hogs and Heifers to sniffle over their troughs of booze; the sex scenes have a brutish fervor, with smashy-face kisses and oddly aggressive groping; and for an unexplored reason, Jane is chomping on something in almost every scene. The mad-cow thing is taken to disease-like levels, with medicinal comedic respite offered only by best friend Liz (Marisa Tomei). By the time Jane finally finds fresh meat, the audience has been marinating in this overcooked stew for far too long.

— Nina Willdorf