Extra ordinary BY AL DIAMON

Forget the doofusses who prevailed at the ballot box on Nov. 2. It’s time to honor the real winners of the 2004 election with the most coveted of political trophies:

The Gaggie.

The Gaggie is named for Hayes Gahagan, whose independent US Senate candidacy in 1978 is best remembered for his claim that persons unknown had altered his advertising to insert subliminal pictures of genitalia in his hair. These awards are presented to those who embody the Gahagan tradition of being a couple of lawn signs shy of a campaign.

State Senate candidate Julia St. James of Hartford, a member of something called the Fourth Branch Party, had her campaigning interrupted this fall by her arrest for felony cultivation and trafficking in marijuana, after police discovered over 175 pot plants growing on her property. In a profile in the Lewiston Sun Journal a couple of weeks later, she listed one of her interests as "horticulture." She receives the Plaque for Doobie-ous Distinction.

State Representative John Eder of Portland has given new meaning to the phrase "working the streets" by sending out a flyer urging his constituents to "Vote The All John Ticket." In addition to himself, Eder was referring to Kerry and Edwards, neither of whom, to the best of my knowledge, has been arrested for soliciting a prostitute. The flyer also features a doctored photo of the three Johns together at a campaign rally, an unlikely contrivance since Eder is a member of the Green Independent Party who was running against a Democrat in a heavily Democratic district. For pandering to the Dems while simultaneously dumping on them, John wins a john in the form of the prestigious Gold Toilet Bowl.

Which goes nicely with Eder’s other award: the Watergate Plumber’s Ethical Clog. Even though his legislative aide, Ben Chipman, had been indicted for illegally attempting to influence absentee balloting in Biddeford, Eder refused to suspend him from his job or dismiss him as a campaign volunteer. Maybe he’s more like a Democrat than I thought.

In Rockland, Evelyn Smyth, the registrar of voters, appears to be doing her part to prevent voter fraud by preventing voters. Particularly Democratic voters. According to a story in the Courier Gazette, Smyth allegedly refused to accept registration cards collected by a couple of Dem activists. And while she didn’t bother to post a legally required poster spelling out voting rights in Maine, she did prominently display one with a picture of former President Clinton and the caption "You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time (except liberal Democrats)." I apologize to Smyth if her Gaggie appears to be defective, but I’m told it’s supposed to tilt to the right.

GOP state Senate candidate David Babin sought to distinguish himself from photogenic Democratic incumbent Ethan Strimling of Portland by running an ad in the West End News featuring a large picture of Babin above the caption, "Not Just Another Pretty Face." He gets the Truth In Advertising Award.

Republican state Senator Karl Turner of Cumberland can’t be accused of misleading his constituents on the tax-cap question, since he refused to say how he was voting. "It’s inappropriate for the Legislature to take a position," Turner told the Portland Press Herald. (That could explain why legislators couldn’t pass tax reform.) For his silence, Turner gets the Gaggie Gag.

Roger Lambert of Strong, a GOP candidate for the state House, is honored for being an inspiration to amnesiacs. Not only did Lambert tell the Morning Sentinel he couldn’t recall filling out a questionnaire from the Christian Civic League of Maine in which he claimed to support the Palesky tax cap and a constitutional amendment outlawing same-sex marriage (he took the opposite positions on both issues in an interview with the newspaper), but he also ran an ad in the Original Irregular in which he mentioned his high ratings from pro-gun groups, the towns in his legislative district, and the date of the election. It might have been more effective if he’d remembered to include his name.

Finally, there’s the trophy for most interesting TV spot for a congressional candidate. Democratic 1st District Representative Tom Allen and Republican opponent Charlie Summers were both disqualified after the Food and Drug Administration required them to include disclaimers on their ads warning viewers not to drive or operate heavy machinery after watching. In the 2nd District, GOP challenger Brian Hamel’s spot showed the embarrassed-looking candidate wearing a hard hat, carrying skis, and attempting to play (or, possibly, eat) a guitar. It looked like a promo for a new sitcom called Everybody Loves Brian.

That leaves Democratic incumbent Mike Michaud, whose ads had people chanting about how he was "one of us," a phrase evoking the wedding-dinner scene in the movie Freaks. For that, he gets the Gabba Gabba Gaggie.

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