That joke isn’t funny anymore BY AL DIAMON

He’s got a brand-new tax-reform plan that’s the hottest comedy routine in Maine politics. Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up — in more ways than one — for the gubernatorial gagster.

Heeeere’s Johnny.

Thank you, everyone. Hey, folks, a legislator came into my office the other day and said he had a tax suggestion. I said a tax on suggestions would fill the state treasury in a hurry. (Rim shot.)

Another legislator wanted a flat income tax in Maine. I told him that would be bad for my efforts to improve the creative economy because some of the most imaginative fiction ever written is on income-tax forms. (Rim shot.)

Seriously, I’ve got a special gift for all you folks here tonight. On your way out the door, you’ll be given a coupon good for a reduction in your income-tax bill. That’s right, next year, I want to reduce the top rate from 8.5 percent to — drum roll, please — 8.45 percent.

(Rim shot.)

Knock off the rim shots. I’m serious.

If you make $40,000 a year, that’s going to save you about 15 bucks. Think of that. When you get your weekly paycheck, there’ll be an extra 29 cents in it. And if you’re one of those lucky people who gets paid every other week, it’s even better. You’ll net an additional 58 cents. (Rim shot.)

Enough with the rim shots. I’m trying to make an important point about tax policy here.

You can put your newfound wealth to work building Maine’s economy. There’s plenty of stuff you can buy for 58 cents at yard sales.

You so much as touch that drumstick, and you’ll find yourself working the night shift at the Department of Health and Human Services fixing the Medicaid reimbursement computer program.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, I was talking about how you could spend the extra money you’ll save from my income tax cut. Actually, you might not want to blow the whole thing, because you won’t actually be getting quite as much back as I said you would. That’s due to the fact I’ve got to pay for this tax reduction, and the best way to do that is to handle it the way I did earlier this year with my property-tax-relief legislation. You remember how I expanded the Homestead Exemption, increasing the amount of your home’s value that’s exempt from property taxes from a mere $7000 to a whopping $13,000. Except I required cities and towns to cover half the cost of that tax break, which means they’ll have to raise property taxes to pay for lowering property taxes.

That’s a knee-slapper, all right. It’s such a good joke, I’m going to use it again. I’m paying for that .05 percent cut in income taxes by (chortle) raising income taxes.

For the next five years, I’m doing away with indexing the tax brackets for inflation. That means you’ll pay a little more than you would have otherwise. But don’t worry. I estimate it won’t cost you more than 58 cents every two weeks.

Ha ha, what a kidder I am. Just ask developer Joe Boulos. Joe wants to build a convention center and hotel complex in downtown Portland. He’ll pay for the hotel himself, but he wants a local-option sales tax in Cumberland County to foot the bill for the convention center. Now, that local-option scam has been kicking around the Legislature for at least 30 years without ever coming close to passing. But Joe must have just fallen off the cement mixer because he doesn’t seem to know that. So I told Joey Bumpkin I’d include a local-option tax in my plan, even though I’d never consider such a thing. You hustle yourself back to Portland, I said to Joe, and hold a news conference to tell everybody all about it.

Laugh, I thought I’d die. There’s Sucker Joe up in front of the cameras announcing the tax plan, while all these reporters are looking at each other, saying maybe we can sell this rube some oceanfront property in Lewiston.

Anyway, back to tax reform. If everything goes just right — by which I mean if money starts falling from the sky — in 10 years, my plan will save the average family in this state — another drum roll, please — about 100 bucks.

Adjusted for inflation, that comes to, lessee, hmmm, looks like 58 cents.

Oh, wait, it’s not that much. Because the other part of my reform plan is to phase out the property tax on business equipment. That’s going to cost local municipalities some serious cash, and I’m only going to reimburse part of it. So property taxes will probably have to be increased to cover the rest. Ain’t that a hoot.

Oww! What the hell was that? Somebody in the audience just hit me with a tomato!

Incoming! That looked like a rutabaga! A potato! A can of baked beans!

Hey, if you folks don’t knock it off, I’m going to reconsider my opposition to a sales tax on groceries.

(Rim shot.)

Some jokes in the governor’s routine were stolen from the 1943 edition of Esar’s Comic Dictionary by the justifiably forgotten Evan Esar. I found my copy at the Carrabassett Valley dump for free — only slightly more than it was worth. If you’ve got better gags — or a better tax plan — email me at ishmaelia@gwi.net