Peddlin’ dreams BY AL DIAMON

I’m pleased to announce I’m cashing in on this column by offering my fans custom accessories designed to enhance their weekly reading experience. I’ll soon be mailing out a catalogue filled with quality products (produced by quality slave laborers in the People’s Republic of China).

Among the offerings will be the computer game Grand Theft: Maine Department of Health and Human Services, in which players attempt to hide millions in overpayments to doctors, ignore millions more in legitimate bills from other health-care providers, and install a monitoring system that can’t keep track of any of it. In addition, there’ll be a hidden scene in which the department’s accountants engage in some steamy double-entry bookkeeping.

Or how about an investment opportunity. There’s none more flexible than the David Emery No-Penalty-for-Early-Withdrawal-from-the-2006-Gubernatorial-Race certificate of deposit. Worthless to start with. Worth exactly the same when you cash it in.

Then there’s the DirigoChoice line of health-care products:

Genetically-engineered leaches, designed to bleed taxpayers dry.

Dr. John Baldacci’s do-it-yourself cosmetic surgery kit — just like the one the governor used to cover up all the ugliness in the property-tax system.

And Sinediex, the miracle prescription drug that keeps legislators from introducing stupid bills. Sinediex is not for everyone and should not be taken by politicians who have already demonstrated a genetic predisposition to making fools of themselves in public, such as state Representative Brian Duprey of Hampden. Common unpleasant side effects include bloating of the importance glands, brain shrinkage, and the possibility of being endorsed by the Christian Civic League of Maine.

But by far the most useful product I’ll be offering will be protective headgear designed for folks trying to understand the $83-million bond package approved by the Legislature in late July. Many people who have attempted to answer this question — Why is Maine borrowing heavily right after its bond rating has been reduced and the interest rate it will have to pay on those bonds will likely be increased? — tend to doze off and accidentally slam their faces into table tops or topple over backwards, clunking their craniums on floors. My ennui-proof, foam-padded device is guaranteed to prevent facial lacerations and accidental lobotomies incurred while trying to figure out why the state, which is already having trouble paying its bills, is going even further in debt by issuing bonds that are more juiced up than Barry.

Never again will you have to worry about splattering your brains all over the carpet. Unless you do it on purpose.

In just a moment, I’ll give you an opportunity to test this new skull shield. But first, a disclaimer from the legal department: This product is intended only for examining state bonding practices. The manufacturer assumes no liability if it is employed as protection against more tedious endeavors, such as Maine Public TV or the opinion pages of the Portland Press Herald. Even with adequate head protection, you should not attempt, while reading the following paragraphs, to drive, operate heavy machinery, or discuss abortion with right-wing nuts.

The bond package, which will be up for voter approval in November, has been described by Democrats (who wanted to borrow twice as much) as "essential." Republicans (who wanted to borrow half as much) have called it "responsible."

It is neither.

If it were "essential," it wouldn’t contain $1 million for hiking trails, hardly a crucial expenditure in a budget year in which medical services to the disabled had to be cut to balance the budget. Nor would a "responsible" borrowing plan call for spending $1 million on historic preservation, the arts, and libraries at a time the state is trimming $2.6 million from higher education.

The bonds include $2 million to save working waterfronts by allowing the public to purchase wharves used by fishing boats, and turn them over to nonprofit co-ops. The new owners will be exempt from property taxes, which means everyone else in the lucky towns with rescued docks will be forced to pay more to make up the difference.

Voter-approved borrowing already takes a bite out of the budget to the tune of between $80 million and $120 million a year in principle and interest (according to Democrats). Add in the bills for bonds the public doesn’t get to vote on, deficits in the state retirement system, and shortfalls in retirees’ health-care funding, and the figure balloons to $600 million (according to Republicans). Over the next decade, this year’s package will add to that burden by another $20 million or so, depending on interest rates (according to my best guess).

Hey, bonds aren’t so boring, after all. But you should still wear protective gear. Because even if there’s no chance you’ll nod off, you might be seized with a desire to bang your head against the wall.

Loan me your opinions by emailing ishmaelia@gwi.net