If you don’t start drinking, I’m gonna leave BY AL DIAMON

One of the most influential political organizations in Maine held its annual convention last weekend to decide which candidate to support for governor in 2006. To the disappointment of all the gubernatorial wannabes, the Keg Party (motto: Too Dunk to Numinate Ennybuddy) decided none of the potential chief executives met its exacting standard.

The standard: Would you want to share a six pack with any of these guys?

"Buncha doofusses," was the concise, if slightly slurred, assessment of party chairman Anheuser "Sterno" Bowels. "All of ’em jus’ wanna raise taxes on booze."

That blanket condemnation is somewhat unfair. While the only Democratic candidate, several Greens, an independent, and at least one Republican have expressed support for higher alcohol taxes, some members of the GOP have opposed the idea. Although, they’re mostly the sort of Republicans who think Prohibition might be worth another try.

This isn’t the first time the Keggers have failed to unite behind a gubernatorial hopeful. In fact, the party-hearty party hasn’t issued an endorsement since 1829, when it unanimously supported the nomination of Republican James G. Blaine. That proved to be an embarrassment for the organization, when it was discovered that Blaine wouldn’t be born until the following year. After a judge ruled a fetus was ineligible to serve as governor, Keg Party legislators introduced a bill to establish the political rights of unborn children. That legislation was defeated, but a companion measure allowing brain-dead people to serve in the Legislature was enacted and has been state law ever since.

Which explains a lot.

What it doesn’t explain is the field of gubernatorial candidates, all of whom seem to be suffering from what Robert Penn Warren called "galloping political anemia." Democratic Governor John Baldacci has contracted the worst case, with poll numbers showing that if the election were held today, he’d lose to both George Steinbrenner and several species of marsupial.

"We almos’ endorsed tha’ thing with the pouch," said Keg chief Bowels. "It’s pretty smart, and, after a couple boilermakers, it looks kinda cute."

Baldacci is hardly alone in failing to electrify the electorate. The frontrunner for the Green Independent Party’s nomination is Pat LaMarche, best known for being the Greenies’ vice-presidential candidate in 2004. During that campaign, LaMarche initially appeared to endorse Democrat John Kerry, then denied she did anything of the sort, and eventually admitted it wasn’t necessarily a bad idea.

According to a prominent Green (could somebody turn off the oxymoron alarm), some in the party are uneasy about nominating LaMarche. "They worry that if the race is close between Baldacci and [Republican frontrunner Peter] Cianchette," said the Green, "she might endorse Baldacci."

As a result, those party members are seeking alternatives. Greens have held discussions with former Democratic state Senator John Jenkins of Lewiston and independent gubernatorial candidate Nancy Oden of Jonesboro (who belongs to a breakaway faction of the national Green Party) to see if either is willing to challenge LaMarche for the nomination. No word, yet, on their replies.

"Endorse Jenkins? Oden?" said Bowels of the Keg Party. "We’re drunk, not crazy."

But even crazies are having trouble finding a candidate. Republican right-wingers are unhappy with both Cianchette, the 2002 nominee, and state Senator Peter Mills of Cornville, because neither believes women seeking abortions and gays seeking civil rights should be stoned to death. The reactionaries are currently engaged in legal research as to whether they can nominate James G. Blaine. Blaine croaked 112 years ago, which inspired supporters to come up with this campaign slogan: Pro-Life — Even When It Comes to Dead People.

Cianchette is also losing a few GOP moderates who supported him last time. Chris Potholm, the Bowdoin College professor and Republican pollster, has been quoted in several newspaper stories claiming party middle-of-the-roaders would tip the primary election in Mills’s favor. None of the stories mention that Potholm was a pollster and strategist for Cianchette in 2002 (he’s the genius who came up with the notion that the lower the turnout, the more likely Cianchette would win, a plan that failed to take into account organized labor’s huge get-out-the-vote effort for Democrats in the 2nd District).

Oddly enough, Potholm didn’t get the contract to strategize for the 2006 Cianchette campaign.

"When it comes to Potholm," said Bowels, "drinkin’ really helps."

Mills will have problems with GOP voters due to his propensity for doing bad imitations of Portland state Senator Ethan Strimling, Maine’s most liberal legislator, by opposing corporate tax breaks and favoring a sales-tax hike.

As for getting the Keggers’ backing, no hope.

"The only mills we’re gonna endorse," said Bowels, "are gin mills."

Pour out your thoughts by emailing me at ishmaelia@gwi.net