Unskinny bop BY AL DIAMON

Got any fat friends? They could save you a lot of money.

According to the Maine Oil Dealers Association’s Web site, the average person generates 500 British thermal units (BTU) of heat per hour. "Invite a bunch of friends over for a potluck dinner," the group advises in its weekly energy-saving tip. "Put enough people in the room, and you can heat it with human power."

It takes about 120 million BTU to keep an average Maine home warm for six winter months. Generating that kind of energy would require a half-dozen medium-sized people staying in your house around the clock from November through April and not wearing too many clothes. But you could probably get by with just three steroid-mutated NFL linemen or four of those super-sized freaks who only eat at McDonald’s.

Since this heating tip calls for potluck meals, the obese guests wouldn’t increase your grocery bill. And if you made them live in the basement, you wouldn’t have to look at all that bulging flesh too often.

Also, they should only be allowed to take cold showers. Hot water requires additional BTU, although maybe you could lower that cost by keeping a few chubby friends soaking in a tub.

I suspect some of you may dismiss the oil dealers’ effort to provide energy savings through increased fraternization as impractical, but, trust me, it’s about the best (and, certainly, the most original) you’re going to find in Maine. After the destruction caused by Hurricane Katrina resulted in record gasoline and heating-oil prices, state officials rushed out press releases urging citizens to visit several Web sites for information. Doing so turned out to be more of a waste of energy than letting the Hummer idle at the curb.

At maineenergyinfo.com, state government’s official clearing house for energy-related news, here are a few of the fascinating facts you can discover:

As of September 7, the state hadn’t updated its survey of heating-oil prices since August, but that was more recent than its survey of gasoline costs, which were from August 2004, when a gallon of regular averaged $1.90.

Apparently, the folks in charge of surveying haven’t read a report posted on another part of the site. It states, "Maine people should have access to adequate information on the costs . . . of their energy choices to ensure that they can make informed decisions."

As for ways to deal with high gas prices that you never would have thought of on your own, the site recommends that you "avoid traffic congestion," and "reduce unnecessary weight" in the vehicle. So don’t take your fat friends for rides.

"The best defense against high gasoline and diesel prices," according to maineenergyinfo.com, "is to reduce consumption."

Equally helpful is another state site called bundlemeup.org. Here you’ll find a message from Gov. John Baldacci, who, after gas prices broke the $3-a-gallon barrier, had the state cops garage his SUV in favor of a more fuel-efficient sedan, thereby saving taxpayers what will undoubtedly amount to dozens of dollars.

"Maine winters," Baldacci cautions, "can be long and cold."

For those who stave off that lengthy chill by burning oil, the site recommends they "consider alternative sources of heat."

A chart allowing consumers to compare the relative values of various types of fuel features instructions that assure us a cord of wood is readily available for $110, and heating oil can be had for 95 cents a gallon. The chart itself tops out with oil priced at $2.50 a gallon. The day I checked the site, my local company was offering to let me pre-pay for the entire winter at $2.75.9.

The private sector wasn’t doing much better than the state at providing current costs. On September 6, maineoil.com, an independent survey of prices, hadn’t updated many of its entries since August 24. Click on the prompt for pre-pay plans, and you’re informed the site has no information.

Maine AAA’s Web page claimed to be up-to-date on gas prices, but on September 6, most places were still listed as selling a gallon of regular for under three bucks.

At least these operation were only a few days behind, instead of years out of date like much of the state’s data. It’s almost as if energy-price information in Maine is being parceled out by the same folks who did such a swell job handling relief supplies for New Orleans.

If Baldacci were really trying to help us deal with the high costs of driving and heating, he’d have devoted less time to choosing a replacement vehicle and issuing worthless news releases and more to establishing a Web site with real-world prices for gas, oil, wood, and propane. Having a single clearinghouse that makes it easy to comparison shop would allow consumers to quickly locate the best deals. It would also highlight those dealers who are price-gouging.

Since that seems to be beyond the administration’s capabilities, maybe the governor could offer some tips on high-caloric foods we can feed our friends to fatten them up.

Give me the skinny on what’s hot by emailing ishmaelia@gwi.net