If you didn't laugh, you'd cry BY AL DIAMON

Mike Chitwood for governor?

Could it have come to this, that the only requirements for running for the state's highest elected office are the only talents Portland's former chief of police possesses? Namely, an elevated ability to attract attention and a flair for massaging the media?

So who's next to announce his candidacy? Dennis Dechaine?

Don't laugh. In the 17 years Dechaine has spent appealing his conviction for murdering 12-year-old Sarah Cherry, he's probably accumulated more misguided supporters than the Green Independent Party.

Maybe the Greens could nominate him. After all, before he turned to violent crime, Dechaine was an organic farmer. And when you compare him to likely Green nominee Pat LaMarche (campaign motto: We Tried, But We Couldn't Find Anybody Else), Dechaine is more articulate and has better hair.

Nor would he be the only gubernatorial candidate with a history of legal problems. Bobby Mills of Biddeford, the self-declared standard bearer of the Veterans Party (motto: We're A Political Party? I Thought We Just Got Together To Drink, Gamble, And Tell Lies), has a resume that includes a 2004 conviction for drunk driving, a 2005 jail stint for violating probation, and a pending charge of domestic assault. With a record like that, Mills may never be governor, but he'd be the frontrunner for mayor of Lewiston.

By comparison, the rest of the gubernatorial field is a little dull. Or, in the case of independent Alex Hammer of Bangor, a lot dull. Hammer recently authored an op-ed piece in which he declared, "For the state to prosper, we have to move beyond our differences and build bridges across that which would divide us." He doesn't say whether he'd support bond issues for those bridges. But he does support economic development (who doesn't?), environmental protection (yeah, yeah), and citizen participation (zzzz). He also offers this manifesto: "In regard to regionalization, we must make both location-specific and collective decisions in regard to what types of directions we wish to move."

He likes that "in regard" thing.

In regard to other candidates for governor who don't seem to have a clue, there's David Emery, who made the curious decision to forego public financing in his bid for the Republican nomination. It'll take a minimum of $1.2 million to win what promises to be a hotly contested primary and a contentious general election. Even that might not be enough, since 2002 GOP nominee Peter Cianchette raised almost that much and still lost to Democrat John Baldacci, who collected over $1.6 million.

If Emery had opted to accept taxpayer money for the race (as his two toughest opponents have), he'd have been guaranteed $200,000 for the primary and $400,000 for the general election, plus up to $800,000 in matching funds if privately funded candidates outspent him. That's a total of $1.4 million, far more than political insiders think Emery, a former congressman, can raise.

In his last race for major office in 1990, Emery struggled financially. Seeking to return to his old seat in Maine's 1st Congressional District, he was opposed by Democrat Tom Andrews, a little-known state senator. Emery barely managed to collect $400,000, while Andrews raked in nearly $700,000. Since then, the maximum contribution to state campaigns has been reduced to just $500, making private fundraising even tougher.

Don't count on seeing a lot of Emery-for-Governor TV spots next year.

All of which has nothing to do with Chitwood's surprise announcement on Nov. 7 that he's considering running for governor. He claimed he'd been approached by prominent figures (Republican U.S. Senator Susan Collins and Libra Foundation head Owen Wells were mentioned in a TV report) urging him to become a candidate. He said he hadn't decided whether to run in a party or as an independent, although he said he's currently a member of the GOP.

Maybe Chitwood registered as a Republican when he started his new job as chief cop in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania (motto: Workplace For Future Governors of Other States), but here in Maine, according to records still on file at Portland City Hall, he was a Democrat.

If Chitwood became the GOP nominee, it might force some powerful special interests to re-evaluate their usual partisan stances. The National Rifle Association and the Sportsman's Alliance of Maine, normally reliable endorsers of anything remotely resembling a Republican, would probably have a hard time accepting Chitwood's long-running crusade against guns. On the other hand, trial lawyers, knee-jerk supporters of all things Democratic, could find Chitwood's propensity for getting himself and his employer sued to be as close as they're going to get to a guarantee of full employment.

Maybe it's global warming. Maybe it's the chemicals the guy in the "Free Dennis Dechaine" T-shirt keeps putting in the water cooler. But the silly season sure started early this year.

E-mail your political delusions to me at ishmaelia@gwi.net