Sporting hopes Wishes for 2005's fields, courts, tables, and pitches BY SAM PFEIFLE

No reason to let the arts writers have all the fun — us columnists deserve a nice puff piece once in a while, too. So, in the spirit of throwing coins in the proverbial fountain, here are some things I’d like to see in 2005’s sporting and gaming universe.

1. Another Patriots Super Bowl victory (obviously), by way of both Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. Sure, there’s the revenge factor, after Pittsburgh manhandled us on Halloween, and I hate Bill Cowher’s absurd facial contortions as much as the next guy, but there’s a personal stake in this for me. My roommate in college — we’ll call him John Pete — was from Williamsport, Pennsylvania, and so rooted nearly equally for the Steelers and Eagles (he’ll claim he’s really just a Philly fan, but if the Steelers were good I had to hear about it), who were never particularly good, but were often better than some of the woeful Patsies teams of the early ’90s.

I’ve already called him on the night of the past three Patriot and Red Sox championships to gloat. Oh, how sweet it would be to claim major trophy number four by trampling over the backs of two over-rated Pennsylvania teams.

2. Pedro Martinez goes 24-3, with a 1.75 ERA for the Mets. I know this goes against the grain, with everyone piling on Petey for his petulant Boston Herald interview, where it became painfully obvious that he was so jealous of Curt Schilling that he probably fed Schilling bobbleheads to his Rottweiler. But I’d like for Pedro to make a point: The National League sucks! I’m so tired of retread mushballers getting 18 wins in the NL, facing maybe six tough at-bats a game, then signing a big deal in the AL, only to get blitzed — Kevin Brown, Jeff Suppan, Javier Vasquez, or Denny Neagle ring any bells?

Curt Schilling is a notable exception, but you have to wonder how long Greg Maddux would have lasted if he’d signed a deal with the Yankees along the way. That paint-the-corners shit wouldn’t have worked against AL lineups. Now Pedro, who pitched well this season but really needed to work hard, could easily breeze through an NL season (assuming his shoulder’s in one piece) and show once and for all that the AL is where the big-league hitters and pitchers are.

And, by the way, don’t talk to me about inter-league won-lost records, because NL teams become AL teams in AL parks and vice-versa. It’s all about the DH, which I wouldn’t actually support if a gun were to my head. I’m just saying NL pitchers’ stats are to be ignored.

3. The NBA just stops. Do you remember a time when you loved the Celtics? I barely remember it, and not just because the Celts haven’t been good in a while. It’s because basketball hasn’t been good in a while. I’m not the first one to say it, but the NBA is putting an unwatchable product on the court and its lingering popularity is only among today’s youth, who never saw better and don’t know what they’re missing.

Let’s just take a very, very bad Celtics team for an example: the 1978-’79 team, coached by fired Tom Sanders and then Dave Cowens, and finishing 29-53. Let’s see: They averaged 109 points a game, shot 48 percent from the floor, and dished out 24 assists per game while committing 20 turnovers. Now, compare that horrible team (remember, they didn’t win 30 games) to last year’s playoff squad.

The 2003-2004 team finished 36-46 (and made the playoffs!) by hitting only 44 percent of their shots, scoring only 95 points a game, dishing out a paltry 20 assists, and only actually making 34 field goals a game.

Finally, let’s look at a very good Celtics team, from not that long ago: the glorious 1985-’86 championship squad. They posted 114 points a game, 29 assists to only 16 turnovers, and they shot 51 percent from the floor! Compare that to last year’s world champion Pistons: They shot (cover your eyes) 43.5 percent from the field, averaged just 90 points per game, and had a respectable 21 assists to 15 turnovers. That’s a championship team? I don’t care what you say about defense — if the "best" team in the league only hits 43.5 percent of their shots, that’s unwatchable. In case you’re wondering, the defensively stalwart Piston Bad Boys won the 1990 championship scoring 104 points and shooting 48 percent, with John Salley blocking nearly as many shots (153) as the entire 2004 Pistons (165).

There are currently only 14 players in the league shooting as well as the entire Celtics team did in 1986. The NBA needs to go away, rethink themselves, and come back in 2006.

4. The Pirates shut up and win hockey games. Look, I like the Pirates. I think they put on pretty good show for the fans and they do a fair job promoting themselves. They do not, however, deserve public money for a new 10,000-seat arena. Ten thousand seats? Do the Pirates really believe that a new building will entice six thousand more fans a game to come see their defensive-minded, clutch-and-grab hockey?

Of 28 teams in the AHL, Portland has the fourth fewest goals. They were very near the bottom last year, too. How about putting an interesting product on the ice and seeing how that affects attendance? Then we can talk new arena.

5. The Sea Dogs market their players better. Now that the Dogs are Red Sox, it’s time they were superstars in this market. Hanley Ramirez may one day be a All-Star shortstop, yet I hardly heard boo from him last year in Portland. Why aren’t Sea Dogs players in TV commercials? Full-page ads in newspapers? I know it’s difficult to market players who might be gone at mid-season to AAA, but I’m quite certain that some of the journeymen players would be more than happy to do a Gobeil’s ad in exchange for a recliner, and that would be a win-win all around: The player gets a little notoriety in what may end up being a baseball career that never gets past the bushes, the team gets some TV exposure, and Gobeil’s freshen up their image for the younger set buying their first set of furniture.

Of course, the Sea Dogs could stand to win a few more games, too.

Sam Pfeifle can be reached at spfeifle@phx.com