FIRST PERSON E-ZPass and me BY SAM PFEIFLE

I’m a fairly honest person. Though I’ve been aware for some time that there were actually no repercussions for driving through the Transpass lane at the tolls whether you had a Transpass or not, I still paid my quarterly Transpass bills. The highway is indisputably the fastest way for me to get to work, and I was happy to invest in the highway through my Transpass bills. Coupled with my wife’s bills, we’ve been paying about $120 a year over the past four years for roughly eight weekly trips to Portland and back. It’s not that bad a deal.

I’d be much happier to invest $120 a year in public transportation from Gray to Portland, but that simply doesn’t exist. You know, because public transportation shouldn’t be "subsidized" — like highways are.

Anyway, I’m frightened by this new E-ZPass system. I’ve heard tales from friends in other states. E-ZPass isn’t like Transpass, which basically relied on the honesty of Mainers in collecting its monies. E-ZPass will hunt you down and get you if you don’t pay that toll. Hunt. You. Down.

See, I may not be dishonest, but I sure am lazy. I went about a year recently with a dead battery in my Transpass. Didn’t bother me. I just wheeled through the Transpass lane and didn’t worry about whether that light turned green or not. Who cared? I’d paid my bill.

I have a feeling that won’t fly with E-ZPass. They’ll take a picture of my license plate. They’ll send me menacing notes about putting the goddam battery in the pass. Right now.

So, when February 1 rolled around, I was in a virtual tizzy. I’d sent my check in to register for E-ZPass months ago, and they’d cashed my check, but I still didn’t have the new pass. What should I do? Just go through the E-ZPass lane? My righteously indignant side said, "Just do it. The bastards cashed your check. What are you going to do, pay 60 cents because they’re incompetent?" But my fearful-of-all-things-menacing side said, "Are you friggin’ crazy? They’ll hunt you down and drop an A-Bomb on your credit for beating such a toll weasel."

In the end, my indignant side won out. I mean, they cashed my check two months ago.

So I decided to call 1-888-MTA-PASS to get the scoop — on my way to work, just as I’d committed a violation, feeling a little nervous, actually. It was busy. It was busy at 9:30 a.m. on Tuesday, too. And at 10:30 a.m. Clearly, I wasn’t the only nervous one.

At 3 p.m., however, I get through. I give the friendly woman my name. My dad comes up. "Oh, crap," I think, "has there been some confusion? Am I going to the back of the line?" But it turns out the account’s in my wife’s name. The tags have been shipped, supposedly, just yesterday. I should have them shortly.

"So," I ask casually, "what happens if I go through the E-ZPass lane with no tags?" (Not that I would do such a thing.)

"Oh, we’ve actually given subscribers a two-week grace period," she says. "If you’re within your commuter zone, you won’t get a violation notice." (I don’t ask what happens if, say, they don’t get all the tags out in two weeks.)

"What happens if you get a violation?" I ask.

"Oh, I don’t know what the fines are," she says, "but [and her voice becomes really forceful here, I swear] they will be enforced."

I’m thinking about paying the 60 cents on the way home, just in case.

Here’s a handy translation service, provided free of charge by your friends at the Portland Phoenix, that will help you decipher the Maine Turnpike Authority’s answers to frequently asked questions about the switch from Transpass to E-ZPass, as posted at www.ezpassmaineturnpike.com:

Q. Why is the Maine Turnpike switching to E-ZPass?

A: The Maine Turnpike was one of the first highways in the east to implement electronic toll collection when we introduced Transpass in 1997. At that time, compatibility with systems in other states was not possible. Now our Transpass system is approaching the end of its expected lifespan and we have the opportunity to adopt a new system that is compatible with systems in other states.

Translation: We plan for our major and costly initiatives to last about eight years then become obsolete. Doesn’t everybody?

Q: Can I sign up for E-ZPass on the Maine Turnpike’s Web Site?

A: Not yet. The Maine Turnpike Authority expects to introduce Internet sign-up capabilities in the latter part of 2005.

Translation: Dude, we’ve only been working on this for, like, a year. What do you want from us?

Q: Will the new system be better at stopping toll cheats?

Translation: Do I actually have to pay now?

A: Yes. In designing the new E-ZPass system, the Maine Turnpike Authority was determined to improve enforcement against violators. We have added new overhead sensors, front and back violation cameras, and other technical improvements to tighten security. More importantly, the new generation of electronic toll collection will be more accurate and less complicated, allowing for more effective enforcement.

Translation: Have you seen the second Terminator movie? We’ll be like that shape-shifting super-metal guy.

Q: Do E-ZPass batteries need to be changed?

A: No. A lithium battery is permanently sealed into each E-ZPass tag. The Maine Turnpike guarantees the battery and the tag for three years.

Translation: The world is scheduled to end in 2007.