The hallways of the " Food Ideas So Crazy They Haven’t Been Tried Yet " Hall of Fame resemble more of a closet than a grandiose thoroughfare. There isn’t really anything on this planet that someone or other hasn’t put into their mouths, rolled around, and either nodded appreciatively at or spat back upon the ground from whence it came. Human beings are nothing if not an aggressively all-consuming group; that is to say, we have this knack of devouring everything we can get our little hairless opposable thumbs on. I’ll give you a few easy ones:

Oysters. Delicious, and expensive to boot. Also, if you hadn’t noticed, cold, slimy, and alive. Despite than, thousands of years ago the indigenous Red Clay people of Maine left piles of discarded oyster shells along the tidal section of the Damariscotta River. One particular pile alone measured about forty-five million cubic feet, and you can bet they weren’t cooking them Rockefeller-style. While we’re on mainstream seafood oddities, what about caviar? Also coveted, also expensive. But who in the name of God came up with splitting open a fish and chowing down on the black stuff inside? And don’t get me started on head cheese, one of my favorite names for a deli meat made out of a pig’s face.

So a crazy idea for Portland’s food scene is tough, considering there hasn’t been a whole lot that really hasn’t actually been done. It couldn’t be a food item, and it couldn’t be a restaurant — not a whole lot could get more ridiculous than Woody Harrelson’s Oxygen Bar or all-raw restaurants. So we were looking at an event of some sort; something that would border on the asinine, something that would allow our food purveyors to strut their stuff in a way they had never done before, and give a chance for the public to experience the best this city has to offer.

So, the Phoenix Media Communications Group, in association with Andy King Ridiculous Events, proudly presents:

The Portland Free Food Festival

Everything free. No entrance fee and no limit, except what your stomach can handle. Every restaurant that has the capability will set up stations, booths, carts, or whatever they please with the one goal of handing out free samples of their cuisine to whomever asks for it. And not just the hot dog and hamburger people, I’m talking the big guys as well. Stupid? Sure. Awesome? Totally.

Think about it! You could spread this all over a huge space, like Deering Oaks, or rent out Hadlock Field, or a pier, or even the frigging civic center if it’s raining, and just give away food. In this corner, we have the Village Café, with small plates of chicken parmesan and ziti. Take a step to your left, and Rob Evans is handing out little cones of Belgian Fries from Duckfat. Around the corner, grab a couple of slices of bread from Big Sky, and make yourself a sandwich using sausage made at Pat’s Meat Market. This might be the only chance a lot of Portlanders have to sample food from Fore Street, so the line there might be a little thick. But not as thick as the line going into the 21+ tent.

That’s where the free samples of Maine’s microbrews are. Shipyard, Gritty’s, Stone Coast, Geary’s, all of them with samples of booze for those wanting to wash down that last bite of a Federal Spice wrap. Not only that, there are wine tastings from the purveyors that supply Browne Trading, Downeast Beverage, Le Roux, and all the other folks who offer wine tastings every week. Heck, even Video Expo could give away samples of edible underwear. But I don’t know if they have that. Ahem.

This would go on all day. At the end of it all, Portlanders would have had the chance to try out restaurants they’d never even thought of going to, or even knew existed. Perhaps this was the time to get a few bites of an establishment that would normally be way too expensive to visit. Maybe, in the Foods of the World section, people would find a new favorite Indian, Thai, el Salvadoran, or Greek place; better yet, they might try the cuisine of a country they never thought had a distinctive flavor. And the restaurants would open up their food to huge new audiences.

So is it just a joke? Maybe not. You’d need plenty of sponsorship, maybe from KeyBank or Peoples, the Libra Foundation, Oakhurst, and others. You might need to have a " suggested donation " booth, like at museums. There’d have to be a limit on what restaurants could offer in those conditions, and if they run out of food, they run out. But for a crazy idea, it is certainly well within the realm of possibility.

Just imagine the tourist implications; how easy it would be to market. " Come to Portland for free food. " If the city can’t get people to plan a weekend around that, it’s got big problems. Everyone just needs to play ball, and act a bit ridiculous for a day.

So ridiculous that it just . . . might . . . work.

Andy King can be reached at dinnerwithandy@yahoo.com