EDITORS' PICKS - ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT

BEST COREYS
When you meet someone new, forget asking their astrological sign - the best way to quickly suss someone out is to find out which 1980s Corey actor they favored. It's not too complicated - that decade was simpler, it gave us only two Coreys to adore. There was Corey Feldman, the bad-boy who starred in The Goonies and who dressed up like Michael Jackson and slicked his hair. He was so bad. He chain smoked, his skin was the color of sour milk, and we all instinctively knew just looking at him, even those babies who had never seen cocaine or a joint, that our ultra-fair Corey was partaking of both. The other Corey was Corey Haim, the slim, svelte Corey with full lips who was slim and svelte mostly because he was snorting lines behind the scenes with the Bad Corey. All the same, he seemed shy, and gentle, and we loved him for his earnestness. These Coreys, best friends until drugs tore them asunder, made classic '80s flicks together that will live on forever - License to Drive, The Lost Boys, and the post-modern Dream A Little Dream. In Portland, Corey lovers can see look-alikes right here in our own '80s cover band the Awesome. Who knows if this was intentional, but the lead singer and lead guitarist both look like they just walked off the set of Dream A Little Dream 2. The singer looks like Haim (sigh!), the guitarist, all surly and coiffeur-slicked, looks like Feldman (scream!). As for the personality litmus test, ask around. Most people in these parts had a preferred Corey. If you fancied Haim, you most likely go for the quiet, weirdo types. If you dug Feldman, you're probably attracted to desperate loonies with trust issues. Either way, your parents will be disappointed.
The Awesome play the Big Easy, in Portland, October 31 | 207.871.8817

BEST OPEN-AIR AMBASSADORS
In this year's City Council race, homeland security has been oft-mentioned. Is Portland ready? Of course. We've got our own Jug Band Army, ready to serve. Anybody who's ever been down Exchange Street once the snow flies and Christmas gets near knows what we're talking about: the Half Moon Jug Band, the most upbeat Portland ambassadors we could ever hope to have. Playing a conglomeration of bluegrass, folk, rock and roll, and circus music, Troy Bennett, Mike Petruk, and Steve Brewer, brave the coldest of afternoons just for the chance to play music for the people and get a few bucks in the old guitar case in return. This month, the jugbanders put out their second studio record, which you can purchase at Bull Moose (though not on the street from the band - that's a no-no in Portland, as the Half Moon boys can tell you from experience). Jug Band Army is a raucous affair, full of crazy singalongs, oompa-loompa-sounding bass tracks, and lyrics that will have you questioning their sanity (which is, of course, the point). Here's some street-music etiquette for you, in case you come across the band. First, if you stop to listen, drop some change. Whatever you've got in your pocket. No, there's nothing wrong with pennies if that's all you've got. Second, just because it looks like there's a bunch of money in the case doesn't mean you don't have to throw in, too. They're freezing their asses off for the good of the city's tourist reputation. It's worth some good money, and the Old Port is expensive nowadays - how're they supposed to buy beer afterwards if they don't stockpile? Finally, yes, you should heckle them. It makes things more entertaining. But don't get all snooty if they heckle back.
The Half Moon Jug Band play a CD-release show, at Acoustic Coffee, in Portland, October 28 | 207.774.0404

BEST PLACE TO FLAUNT YOUR FASHION
Forget about the bands, the Station has become the hottest spot to see and be seen, and the more outrageous your ensemble, the better. You've seen these kids: boys and girls wearing the same pants, sporting the same hairdo, and smoking the same cigarettes wandering aimlessly together. They flock to this underground venue attempting some sort of visual monologue. The tall and skinny boys are decked out with studded belts and ripped girl pants, children's T-shirts, and dyed-black hair falling over their dark eyes. Piercings abound, the most popular spots being the lips, eyebrows, and plugs in the ears. Girls adorn themselves with thrift-store skirts and bright tights, metallic belts and piles of plastic pearls. They too have short, choppy hair in a variety of unnatural colors, dark eyes, and often a pierced nose or a Monroe. Some stand clustered against the walls while others mingle between sets; one girl talks to her Myspace crush in person for the first time. It's hard to tell who spent more time getting ready tonight; in a sea of Converse the feminine boys and childlike girls find affirmation. We're guessing that the majority of them don't know and don't care about the specific band playing each night; they're all pretty decent (sometimes real quality national acts), and the scene's worth the price of admission. At around eight bucks a pop, it's a small price to pay to strut your stuff for the masses. Everyone knows that music inspires a certain fashion, but down here it's more like the fashion carries a subset of music.
The Station is located at Union Plaza, 272 St John Street, in Portland | 207.773.3466

BEST PLACE TO GET ZIPPED
Rippleffect's outdoor adventure experiences aren't limited to teens anymore. Adults want to explore more about Cow Island's environment, geology and kayaking opportunities, too, ya know. This summer, the non-profit expanded their offerings to anyone with some dosh and a heart for a good challenge.
Group adventures are now possible, with a minimum of just six people or a maximum of 30 for an overnight stay or 60 for day trips. Rippleffect co-founder Aaron Frederick tells us that this summer they successfully hosted area business work functions, private family events, Maine College of Art students, and partnered with other non-profits. It's a team-building thing. It's a reward thing. It's a fun thing.
An a la carte menu of weekend programs are built and customized by you. Each visit to the island begins with a guided tour that orients you to the facilities, followed by a meal and a sea kayak paddle. From there the options are endless. Enjoy the island's beaches, yoga, art programming, massage, canvas expedition tents complete with cots, a fire-pit, and a full food menu including a candle lit lobster bake in the converted military bunker dining room. And if that's not enough, may the temptation of a 350-foot zip line be the allure that ropes you in. Sixty feet above sea level, standing on the roof of the highest bunker on the island, you get a 360-degree view of Portland, the surrounding islands, and Hussey Sound. Harnessed in and hurled down toward a grove of oak trees you find yourself on the coastal edge of the island with an experience you can't get anywhere on the peninsula. Prices range from $75 to $150 per person, per day, which might be a little steep, but, remember, it's a team-building thing. Get your boss to pay for it.
Rippleffect is located on Cow Island, in Casco Bay | www.rippleffect.net

BEST LOG ROLLING
In general, we love the Portland Museum of Art. Of course, we only go on Friday nights, because it's free and we're cheap. But we made an exception for the 2005 Biennial because we simply couldn't wait for Friday to arrive once the show had opened. Lauren Fensterstock's spider? Totally cool. Colleen Kinsella showed that what she does for Cerberus Shoal's music isn't her only artistic talent. And we weren't too creeped out by the disembodied women all chopped up and shot at (we're open minded people over here at the Phoenix, and it was just a drawing). Photographer Elke Morris even made Lewiston look pretty - now that's some serious artistic talent. But the highlight of the show, clearly, was by Tad Beck. Thanks to him, we nearly pissed our pants laughing. We're in there, feeling all artsy, doing the chat-chat thing, and then we walk around a corner into the back gallery only to see his video projections of nude guys log rolling. Now that's art! Dicks are flopping all over the place, the water looks friggin' cold, and who the hell goes log rolling anyway? Plus, there's the whole metaphor thing: logs rolling, dicks floppin' - it's like meta-ridiculousness. Only Michael Zheng's half-buried ass could possibly hope to compete. And you know what's sad? When school groups would come through the gallery, Joseph McVetty's pictures of those women with razor blades on their privates were no problem, but the log rolling was strictly verboten. And people wonder what's wrong with society.
The Portland Museum of Art is located at 7 Congress Square, in Portland | 207.775.6148

BEST BARD & BREW
"All the World's a Stage," including the local wine bar, Slainte (the new and remodeled Meritage), where Acorn Productions performs Naked Shakespeare once a month. And by naked, we mean stripped-down theater (get your mind out of the gutter, please). No lights, costumes, props, nothing. Reciting Shakespeare is difficult enough, but without the help of lighting and costumes to set the mood and get you into character, you've got nothing but talent left to wow your audience.
Luckily, there is the sauce. And by sauce, we mean brew and tasty wines. Combining alcohol and Shakespeare is, well, like bread and butter. It just makes sense. Literally, after a few glasses of wine, those sonnets and soliloquies start making a lot more sense. For example, reading Sonnet 97, you might think Shakespeare was suffering from seasonal depression. After a few drinks, you find that the sonnet is actually about someone in a long-distance relationship who's missing his lover.
Actors from Acorn Productions love Shakespeare. Some are silly, some intensely serious, some passionate. They pass out cue cards to the audience, who are asked to read aloud between recitings. We, on the Best Of staff, received the "So . . . How about your wife? Is she hot or what?" card. The actors pace throughout the bar reciting the Bard's best to their best, sometimes directly to the people who read the cue card. Indeed, all the world is a stage, and you're right in the center of it at Slainte.
Slainte is located at 24 Preble Street, in Portland | 207.828.0900

BEST NOSTALGIC DREAM SEQUENCE
Okay 18-34 demographic, this one's only for some of you. Born before 1975? Stop reading. You're not allowed to feel nostalgic for the 1980s unless you actually were in high school for some of that decade. If you didn't actually witness white jackets being worn over teal shirts, with a matching white tie, you can't then rock that same outfit when you attend '80s night at Bubba's Sulky Lounge. It's just not allowed. DJ Jon, '80s maestro, will have to escort you out the door. When "Forever Young" - the Alphaville version - comes on, you're not allowed to start dancing like you're not trying unless you saw Pretty in Pink in the theaters. Indulging in re-runs on TBS is not the same thing. You probably think Ducky really does look cool. No he doesn't. He's not cool. That's the point. Jeez. Also, "Please, Please, Please" must not be sung along to unless you once sung along to it after breaking up with a girlfriend in high school. If you did it in college, maybe. If you did it in your twenties, and it was sincerely in the 1980s, you get huge bonus points and will be allowed free entrance to the Bubba's gig for eternity - cuz you're probably still rocking '80s duds and don't even realize that the other people are, like, in costume.
'80s night happens again October 28, at Bubba's Sulky Lounge, on Portland Street, in Portland | 207.828.0549

BEST KEYBOARD CONCEPTION
When you're down a band member, finding the perfect replacement entails an extensive search. Your band rocks better than any other band in town. You're the sexiest band and everyone says so. How do you find a sexy and talented keyboardist who rocks like it's nobody's business? So you place an ad with the Phoenix and start auditions. Although the ad specifically required talent and hotness, many unhot, untalented musical rejects show up to audition. How many losers do you have to listen to before you find the quintessential player for your kick-ass band? You even put the word out to all your friends in the biz, but no one wants to commit to playing in two bands. How are you going to keep your band rocking the stage without a goddamned keyboard player?
If you're Kip Brown of the Pontiffs, you don't even fuck around with ads and auditions. You find the hottest and gnarliest mama in town and have sex while listening to Danzig and taking swigs of Nobb Creek between position swaps. Wham, bam, you've got yourself a hot rockin' daughter who plays the keyboard. (In all honesty, we don't know if that's how Gina Brown was conceived, but the story sounds very rock 'n roll.)
Of course, this is the long-term method. You might need to put the band on hold for awhile and just write lyrics. You've got to have a lot of patience to wait at least 15 years or so to get your home-made bandmate on stage, but it's well worth it. Gina Brown is the hottest rockinest keyboard player in this town, backing up her pops on lead vocals.
The Pontiffs play a birthday party for old man Kip at Geno's, in Portland, October 28 | Geno's doesn't have a phone number

BEST CHEAP FLIGHTS
You never know when the practice will come in handy - could be at a bachelor party, on the second floor of the Old Port Tavern during a "let's see who's buying drinks" game, or for a "let's get to know each other" round of cricket with a newbie at Ruski's. Having a dart board on the wall at home certainly sharpens your chances of impressing both inside and outside the house. We've found the at-home set up to be a necessary luxury. First it was tossing some darts here and there, now it's really worked into a lifestyle. Even relationship talks become much more enjoyable with darts (and an excuse not to make eye contact). By the end of the game, you've both said what you want to say and exerted a little aggression at the wall, not at each other. The competition gets interesting and so does getting your points across. One trip to Skillful Vending, and you've got everything you need. The selection of darts, boards, and accessories makes it easy to customize your set and your play. Offering a variety of flights (the light, paperlike ends that make darts fly gracefully), Skillful Vending allows you to have a dart set to match your obsession with other sports. Carrying flights for any sports team you can call out, and costing something right around the $3 range, you can afford to replace the flights every time you change quarterbacks on your fantasy football team. Currently, we're rocking Dallas. Drew Bledsoe is so back, baby.
Skillful Vending is located at 58 Alder Street, in Portland | 207.775.3000

BEST BACK-SEAT DRIVERS
It's hard to find anything worse than someone who's constantly telling you to watch out for stuff when you're driving around town. "Oh, oh, watch that guy coming out of that driveway - I'm not sure he sees you." Yeah, great, thanks. Because we were just picking our noses and not really paying attention, hoping to die in a fiery car crash. But you saved us. Wow, you're our hero. But if someone were to give us the opposite advice, maybe we'd be more into it. "Dude, pass that guy. He's a dink. We'll be here all day. Want a beer?" Well, that might be more entertaining, anyway. Though not as entertaining as the Loverless song inspired by that exact type of advice. "You Never Drive Aggressively," off their recent self-titled debut record, is fast-paced, totally rocking, and hilarious, played by a band who aren't far from being the talk of the Portland rock scene. Elijah Ocean has big-time frontman superstar written all over him (it takes up a lot of skin space), and their rhythm section is making people talk about a rock-off with Paranoid Social Club. Oh, and their drummer Michael Anderson has a mohawk. Every rock band should have at least one member rocking a mohawk. Or a faux-hawk, anyway. Plus, Loverless are totally full of themselves without ever taking themselves seriously, and like to dress up like rock stars and make up pretend fights with bands like Sidecar Radio. Brilliant. There aren't enough rock stars in this town - maybe it's because they never drive aggressively.
Loverless play the Alehouse, in Portland, November 17 | 207.253.5100