Portland's Best Arts and Entertainment Find out what our editors and you, the readers, consider Portland's Best

EDITORS' PICKS:

Best Load to Blow at Lunch

Many of us who work downtown develop some pent-up aggression. Our cubicles surround us. Our bosses don’t respond to our emails for days, even though our read receipt tells us they’ve read them. Our phones never stop ringing, and whoever’s on the other end is always in a bad mood. Sometimes, it’s enough to make you want to shoot something.

Luckily, Rivalries, a sports bar with some good food, has just the solution (as does the Stadium, but they’re not really open at lunch anymore). Big Buckhunter 2 sits prominently next to some silly golf game, right near their entrance, just begging you to step up the screen, gaze down the barrel, and fire away. It’s pretty realistic, actually, with a variety of regions throughout North America where you can blast at a variety of deer, trying to bag the three bucks that dart across the screen each round without killing any of the does (possibly the game’s best feature is the Southern-accented commentator who, when you do shoot a doe, makes a comment such as, "Bucks have horns").

If you’re looking for easy gratification, go to Canada, where the bucks are big and slow, and stand out against the snow. In the Northeast, where you can indeed shoot in Aroostook County, they’re small, quick, and hard to see. Each region has its own bonus rounds, too, where you can light up turkeys, frogs, fish — all manner of moving animals. These bonus rounds can be especially satisfying, as you find yourself developing a frenzy, working the pump action furiously as you fire at least 30 shots in a minute.

At least three Phoenix employees hold "Hunter Hero" badges for having put up the highest scores at different hunt sites. Feel free to come after our titles — but watch out for buck fever.

Rivalries is located at 10 Cotton St., in Portland. Call (207) 774-6044.

Best Use of Burgundy

The new direction of the Big Easy (Blues Club) has been much chronicled in these pages. It’s now the rock club in Portland, sucking in local-music fans and touring acts alike, and pretty much always well populated. Pinpointing the exact reason for the turnaround is difficult.

Could it be that folks are flocking to their favorite local musicians? Between the "celebrity" bartending (we all know they’re really doing it for the tips), when you can order Sex on the Beach from Tony McNaboe; the "vs." nights, where musician regulars don musical costumes and battle it out as, say, Pearl Jam vs. Nirvana; and the fact that ubiquitous As Fast As frontman Spencer Albee books the joint, that’s a strong possibility.

But maybe it’s the new national flavor that’s seen ClearChannel, sorry, Tea Party Concerts’ club booker Lauren Wayne bring us fab shows by the Decemberists (not to be confused with the Russian Decembrists, unless you want a poke in the eye), Badly Drawn Boy, and Rachel Yamagata. Certainly, these are nice shows to be getting in our little hamlet. We even saw Jet come to town, thanks to the Big Sleazy.

We here at the Phoenix, however, think the success rides largely on the new paint job. Is there a more soothing color than burgundy? Reminding us of a warm wine buzz, the Big Easy’s new interior color lulls us like Soma, comforts us like kitty, embraces us like a spring breeze.

Ah, burgundy — who knew it was the secret to nightclub success?

The Big Easy is located at 55 Market St., in Portland. Call (207) 871-8817.

Best Bar Hag Boot Camp

Everyone is always telling us underage drinkers that the bar scene is fun, sure, but it loses its appeal once you can legally go there and you go there all the time. Like all of us young warriors striving to become the bar hags we’ve all seen our brothers and sisters become over the years, I refuse to believe this. To me, the bar scene is a beacon of hope, the Northern Star on a black night — that someday I can drink in the same room as, say, 20 to 100 people at the same time without hearing, "R.A., open up, we know you have beer."

Not that I don’t love dumping out an ice-cold Geary’s as the R.A. on duty taps his toes, don’t get me wrong. However, why do that when I know now that I can take a stroll down Congress Street and grab a table at a local bar? I recently watched a Red Sox playoff game in Portland and I have to say, if you’re gonna fake it, the Stadium is your spot.

Walking in, my hand was shunned by the "you’re old enough to tip them back" stamp; however, my nude wrist still served as a perfect resting place for my chin as I batted a few eyelashes at more than one beer-guzzling dude. I was actually a perfectly content "Sober Sally," as I happily chomped on a Caprice Wrap, a delightful combination of chicken and mozzarella.

Forty-two TVs line the bar, and there’s really not a bad seat in the house. Should the Pats start to lose terribly and the mere sight of Brady piss you off (a virtual impossibility), pool tables and video games await you downstairs. So hop on over to the Stadium and begin your bar-hagging at an early age.

The Stadium is located at 504 Congress St., in Portland. Call (207) 772-4263.

Best Place to Find Big Pussy

I apprehensively walk through the doors at Anthony’s. There are suits everywhere. I’m getting paranoid. Are they FBI agents? Rats? CWs? I was only coming in for a slice of pizza, so I didn’t come heavy. I’m just not prepared to whack anyone, and the boss is not gonna be happy about this. I tell myself to relax. The suits are just some cafones. Jamooks, if you will. You see, I’m a cugine, striving to get made by the family. Actually, I just watch too much HBO.

Order the fucking pizza and have a seat, I tell myself. Goddam, it smells delightful in here. Waiting in line behind the suited jamooks (who seem to fill this place up every lunch hour), I spy what I’ve really come for: Big Pussy. With two heavenly slices of cheese pizza on my tray, I find a seat in front of the Sopranos shrine. Savoring every bite of my lunch, I admire Big Pussy. Sometimes I can even watch Big Pussy on the little TV/VCR in the corner, but today Anthony isn’t playing the VHS "Behind the Scenes" Sopranos footage.

Bummer. I’ll have to be content with surveying the signed cast photo, Sopranos trivia game, pictures of Anthony at the Soprano’s filming location in Jersey, and James Gandolfini’s high school picture. Oh shit, someone is sitting next to me. I think he’s packin’. These fucking jamooks are everywhere.

Anthony’s Italian Kitchen is located at 151 Middle St., in Portland. Call (207) 774-8668.

Best Place to Rip on Your Friends.

When you’ve had a best friend (BF, to you) for years, it’s relatively simple to persuade BF into doing something insanely embarrassing for your amusement. And, if BF’s a good friend, BF’ll do it, knowing that it’s solely for your amusement. That’s friendship. My newest quest for amusement is persuading BF to do a stand-up comedy open mic.

Of course, the only way it will work is if I suggest it as something I have been wanting to do. So, I tell BF my new dream is to be a stand-up comedian, and I want to practice at open mics. BF supports this half-cocked dream, as a good friend should, and agrees to do the open mic with me. I know, you’re thinking that the idea is to get BF, not myself, to do the open mic. Let’s be real, BF isn’t going to do it unless I do it, too. Those are the best-friend rules.

There are a few Portland venues that hold open mics, but after much deliberation, the venue that will witness this humiliation is Acoustic Coffee. I chose Acoustic Coffee because their MC, Felon O’Reilly, is actually a felon and that makes me giggle. Here’s the deal: Open mic is every other Wednesday at 7 p.m. You sign up for a five-minute slot. Give it your best (the crowd is friendly, so at least, you’ll get sympathy laughs), and if Felon thinks you’re funny, he’ll ask you to come back in two weeks for the scheduled comedy portion that follows open mic. They don’t censor any material, and some crowd favorites are the queens, with a steady flow of homosexual jokes, and the hillbilly humor.

Uh oh. BF and I don’t have that kind of material. We’re more about the queef humor. Fuck it. We’re still signing up.

Acoustic Coffee is located at 32 Danforth St., in Portland. Call (207) 774-0404.

Best MoMA Moment

For the new "Becoming a Nation: Americana from the Diplomatic Reception Rooms, US Department of State" (nice succinct title, eh?), the Portland Museum of Art has something they’ve never had before: audio tours. That’s right, you can feel very much like you’re in a big-city museum like MoMA, or even like you’re at Stonehenge, with a pair of headphones streaming the straight dope about the exhibit straight into your brain. Guess who does the introduction: Colin Powell! Yes, the only member of the Bush Administration it’s difficult to be revolted by.

PMA publicity gal Kristen Levesque confirms that this exhibit with audio tour is the "first one ever for the PMA," and says they "might do them in the future," but the start-up cost for a regular audio-tour program could be as much as $70,000. It’s only because this tour, which has been traveling for two years and finishes up with Portland, comes with audio in tow that we’re lucky enough to get expert information on all these chairs, and paintings, and whatnot.

Plus, you should go see this show, anyway. It’s a nice reminder, if you really think about the people who were in office when all of these things were created, that George Bush is actually far more liberal than some of the slave-owning, misogynist, anti-Social-Security-and-welfare-and-Medicaid presidents who came before him. There’s even a heart-warming display of works by King Middle School students drawing pictures about what freedom means to them. Ah, those impressionable kids: If only we could supply them with audio guides to life.

The Portland Museum of Art is located in Congress Square, in Portland. Call (207) 775-6148.

Best Graffiti

I’m sitting at Casco Bay Books on Middle Street four days before the presidential election. Although it’s unexpected, I’m thrilled to see that this book-store-slash-coffee-shop has a television and VCR set up for java drinkers to take in an anti-Bush film, Hijacking Catastrophe.

To be sure, this is Portland’s best all-around bookstore hangout, not only because you can purchase so many cool things and because the coffee and pasties are good and because they are socially conscious, but because they have (drum roll, please) the best graffiti in Portland — in their restroom.

There’s nothing more satisfying than reading a witty tome while visiting the john, and Casco Bay Books rates especially highly in that they supply copious chalk and chalkboard, and don’t remove anything but the most offensive of musings.

"Please lick my sweet pussy," writes one horny gal, to which a health-conscious visitor replies, "Only if it’s sugar free."

That’s about as dirty as things got this week.

For most, a trip to the loo can be an educational experience. Next to a scribbling of a swastika with a flower at its center, this cerebral message: "The post-modern symbolism of Western civilization negates the spiritual relative to native and eastern cultures. As ‘W’ has warped our government, so did ‘H’ warp the swastika."

And how.

"Most of the time I feel like I’m wearing a big red coat," writes another.

And this sage note: "Never assume anyone knows anything."

No, none of this is exactly highbrow, particularly the reference to the good-for-you female anatomy, but it’s better than staring into the bowl.

Casco Bay Books is located at 151 Middle St., in Portland. Call (207) 541-3842.

Best Free Any Old Time

Almost every night of the week, there is an interesting and free event in Portland; you just need to know where to look. The People’s Free Space does a lot more than drive around a big green converted school bus full of food and zines. They are busy around the clock hosting Free School classes, video showings, and lectures, open to the public and always free! The classes are held at Portland West or at the People’s Free Space at 547A Congress Street. These classes usually have to do with various aspects of self sustenance; topics have included home-made health-care products, crafting projects, DIY canning, and different forms of world dance. Did I mention all for free?

As for the teach-ins and lectures, the Free Space is constantly inviting guest speakers to talk about political and environmental action as well as world events. For instance, this month there are teach-ins on the truth behind NAFTA/CAFTA, what’s really happening in Iraq, and defending the wild buffalo of Yellowstone Park. There are lectures on human rights in Colombia and indigenous peoples. This month they are also showing the documentary film Outfoxed and organizing a Radical Parent’s Group — all this will take place in November (and you thought you were busy!).

The folks at the People’s Free Space work their butts off organizing this stuff, so you should keep updated on what they’re doing and attend classes, lectures, or video showings that interest you. It’s also a good way to mix with the community, learn something new, and have a fun night out without having to pay for it. Of course, they do accept donations, so throw a few dollars their way — they’ve earned it.

Contact People’s Free Space to request a calendar of events at peoplesfreespace@riseup.net, or call (207) 879-2699, or keep track in the Phoenix "Listings."

Best Alternative to a Pack of Squares

Cigarettes are so damn expensive these days, it’s amazing that anyone can afford to smoke, let alone that you used to be able to stuff quarters in a machine and get a pack of smokes back. Back in 1997, when a cigarette machine was banned for its intended use, a couple of artists figured out a way to make use of the machine’s function and simultaneously encourage a healthy alternative to the detrimental habit. The result is smokin’ pieces of miniature art.

The Art*O*Mat is a retro, chromed out, lit-up staple in SPACE Gallery’s entryway. Portland is host to one of only 71 machines across the United States that represent more than 400 artists from 10 different countries. The machines themselves are all different, too. The hosting venue commissions Artists in Cellophane, the sponsoring organization of Art*o*mat, to prepare the machine specifically for that venue. The founders view it not only as an art dispenser, but also as an installation piece itself.

The best part is that it’s fun to use. It’s a game of chance when you pull a knob. You may get a small portrait, a two-inch high comic book, a rubber figurine — there’s no telling. All for a small fee of five dollars, but don’t be confused because there’s no currency slot involved here. Ask one of SPACE’s kind bartenders to buy a token and wait for the sound of the clink against the metal.

Space is anxiously awaiting a chance to feature local artists’ work in the machine. Submissions are always welcomed at the Art*O*Mat Web site.

Visit www.artomat.org. SPACE Gallery is located at 538 Congress St., in Portland. Call (207) 828-5600.

Best Geriatric Rock

They say that punk is for the young. If that’s true, what’s up with Big Meat Hammer? Frontman Jordan Kratz (you know who he is — balding on top, flowing locks in back, Clark Kent glasses, jean jacked with pins, always has his little dog with him) played in the Transplants in the ’70s. They have children older than most of the Phoenix staff. They hung out with GG Allin.

But their advanced age doesn’t keep Skummy Man and company from continuing to play all-ages shows all over Maine, as well as hold down a monthly gig (or so) at their favorite haunt, Geno’s. BMH are coming up on their 15th anniversary next year, and their experience shows. Sure, they’ll still foam at the mouth, spit beer at you, and get naked, but Kratz also does lots of recording, video work, and consulting for younger bands. Their Web site continues to be a Portland punk museum of sorts, with photos going back to the late ’90s, including shots of the police raid of FUDAfest. Plus, they’ve been smart enough to keep that fantastic name all this time. Big. Meat. Hammer. It’s just so fun to say.

If you don’t have their full-length album, Keep Portland Clean, you should go buy it. Released in 2001, it’s full of great two-minute anthems and it’s proof positive that not every musician either burns out or fades away.

READERS' PICKS:

Best Arcade — The Stadium

Best Art Gallery — SPACE

Best Art Museum — Portland Museum of Art

Best Bar — Gritty McDuff’s

Best Club for All Ages — SPACE

Best Club for Dancing — Bubba’s Sulky Lounge

Best Club for Live Music — SPACE

Best Dive Bar — Geno’s

Best Gay Bar — Somewhere Else

Best Happy Hour — Sebago Brewing Co.

Best Jukebox — Geno’s

Best Movie House — Movies on Exchange

Best Non-art Museum — The Children’s Museum

Best Non-gallery Art Space — Coffee by Design

Best Over-30 Bar — Top of the East

Best Place for Pool — Old Port Billiards

Best Spoken-Word Night — Acoustic Coffee

Best Theater Company — Portland Stage Co.

Best Video Store — Videoport